A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot became entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when
Frank, the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.
Monday, November 24, 2008
Boating Blonde
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert an hour east of Bakersfield, a blonde, new to boating was having a problem. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't get her brand new 22 ft Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power she applied.
After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a nearby marina. Maybe they could tell her what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, and the prop was the correct size and pitch.
So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath the boat. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.
After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a nearby marina. Maybe they could tell her what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, and the prop was the correct size and pitch.
So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath the boat. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.
3 Blondes On An Island
There are three blondes stranded on an island. Suddenly, a fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them a wish. T
he first blond asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned into a brown haired woman and swims off the island.
The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one, so instantly she is turned into a black-haired woman. The black-haired woman builds a boat and sails off the island.
The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge.
he first blond asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned into a brown haired woman and swims off the island.
The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one, so instantly she is turned into a black-haired woman. The black-haired woman builds a boat and sails off the island.
The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge.
Handyman
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
The Magic Ladies Room
A brunette, redhead and blonde went to a fitness spa for some fun and relaxation. After a stimulating healthy lunch, all three decided to visit the ladies room and found a strange-looking woman sitting at the entrance who said,
"Welcome to the ladies room. Be sure to check out our newest feature: a mirror which, if you look into it and say something truthful, you will be awarded with a wish. But be warned, for if you say something false, you will be sucked into the mirror to live in a void of nothingness for all eternity!"
The three women quickly entered and upon finding the mirror, the Brunette said, "I think I'm the most beautiful of us three" and in an instant she was surrounded by a pile of money.
The redhead stepped up and said, "I think I'm the most talented of us three", and she suddenly found the keys to a brand new Lexus in her hands.
Excited over the possibility of having a wish come true, the blonde looked into the mirror and said, "I think..." and was promptly sucked into the mirror.
"Welcome to the ladies room. Be sure to check out our newest feature: a mirror which, if you look into it and say something truthful, you will be awarded with a wish. But be warned, for if you say something false, you will be sucked into the mirror to live in a void of nothingness for all eternity!"
The three women quickly entered and upon finding the mirror, the Brunette said, "I think I'm the most beautiful of us three" and in an instant she was surrounded by a pile of money.
The redhead stepped up and said, "I think I'm the most talented of us three", and she suddenly found the keys to a brand new Lexus in her hands.
Excited over the possibility of having a wish come true, the blonde looked into the mirror and said, "I think..." and was promptly sucked into the mirror.
Chalk Up Another One
Once upon a time, there was a blonde driving down the highway. In the distance, she sees a brunette doing jumping jacks in the middle of the road, so she decides to pull over. The brunette is jumping up and down clapping her hands over her head, and shouting, "Twenty one! Twenty one! Twenty one!"
So, seeing how this looks like fun, the blonde gets behind her, and starts doing jumping jacks, and shouts, "Twenty one! Twenty one! Twenty one!" This goes on for about an hour, and the brunette starts getting tired, so she goes and sits down. But the blonde is having the most fun she has ever had in her life just doing jumping jacks in the middle of the hiway shouting twenty one. Along comes a truck and splat! there goes the blonde. Well the brunette gets up and goes back into the road and starts doing jumping jacks and shouts, "twenty two! twenty two!
So, seeing how this looks like fun, the blonde gets behind her, and starts doing jumping jacks, and shouts, "Twenty one! Twenty one! Twenty one!" This goes on for about an hour, and the brunette starts getting tired, so she goes and sits down. But the blonde is having the most fun she has ever had in her life just doing jumping jacks in the middle of the hiway shouting twenty one. Along comes a truck and splat! there goes the blonde. Well the brunette gets up and goes back into the road and starts doing jumping jacks and shouts, "twenty two! twenty two!
First-Class Chick
A beautiful blonde gets on an airplane going to Los Angeles and sits in First Class. The flight attendant tells her that her ticket is for a coach seat and would she please go to her proper seat. The blonde says; "I'm blonde and beautiful and I'm going to Los Angeles first class."
"I'm sorry," says the flight attendant "but your ticket is for coach and this seat was paid for by someone else." At which the blonde says; "I'm blonde and beautiful and I'm going to Los Angeles first class."
The flight attendant goes to the pilot with the problem. The pilot walks up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes back to her coach seat. The flight attendant asks the pilot what she said to the blonde.
"It's simple," says the female pilot "I told her that first class wasn't going to Los Angeles."
"I'm sorry," says the flight attendant "but your ticket is for coach and this seat was paid for by someone else." At which the blonde says; "I'm blonde and beautiful and I'm going to Los Angeles first class."
The flight attendant goes to the pilot with the problem. The pilot walks up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes back to her coach seat. The flight attendant asks the pilot what she said to the blonde.
"It's simple," says the female pilot "I told her that first class wasn't going to Los Angeles."
Blonde Kidnapper
A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the North side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde."
The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the Blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"
She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the North side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde."
The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the Blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"
Breast Stroke Swimmer
Three women, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead competed in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition - the brunette came in first, and the redhead was a close second. Much later, the blonde finally reached the shore, completely exhausted and near the point of drowning.
After being revived with blankets and coffee, she muttered, "I don't want to sound like a sore loser, but I think those other two girls used their arms."
After being revived with blankets and coffee, she muttered, "I don't want to sound like a sore loser, but I think those other two girls used their arms."
Getting Lucky In Vegas
A blonde walks up to a Coke machine in a Las Vegas casino, puts in a few coins, and out pops a Coke. She puts some more coins into the machine, and another can of soda pops out. She keeps putting in coins, and cans of soda keep coming out.
A guy walks up behind her and says, "Can I please use the machine?"
"Buzz off!" she says. "Can't you see I'm winning?"
A guy walks up behind her and says, "Can I please use the machine?"
"Buzz off!" she says. "Can't you see I'm winning?"
Afghan TV Guide
MONDAYS:
8:00 - "Husseinfeld"
8:30 - "Mad About Everything"
9:00 - "Suddenly Sanctions"
9:30 - "The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show"
10:00 - "Allah McBeal"
TUESDAYS:
8:00 - "Wheel of Terror and Fortune"
8:30 - "The Price is Right If Usama Says Its Right"
9:00 - "Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darndest Things"
9:30 - "Afganistans Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers"
10:00 - "Buffy The Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer"
WEDNESDAYS:
8:00 - "U.S. Military Secrets Revealed"
8:30 - "When Northern Alliance Attack"
900 - "Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pita Bread"
9:30 - "Just Shoot Everyone"
10:00 - "Veilwatch"
THURSDAYS:
8:30 - "M*U*S*T*A*S*H"
9:00 - "Veronicas Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses and Veils"
9:30 - "My Two Baghdads"
10:00 - "Diagnosis: Heresy"
FRIDAYS:
8:00 - "Judge Laden"
8:30 - "Funniest Super 8 Home Movies"
9:00 - "Captured Northern Alliance Rebels Say the Darndest Things"
9:30 - "Achmeds Creek"
10:00 - "No-witness News"
11:00 - "Beavis and Raghead"
12:00 - "This Old Tent" with Bob Villain
NEWS FLASH
SUNDAY EVENING:
11:00 - BOMBS AWAY!
8:00 - "Husseinfeld"
8:30 - "Mad About Everything"
9:00 - "Suddenly Sanctions"
9:30 - "The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show"
10:00 - "Allah McBeal"
TUESDAYS:
8:00 - "Wheel of Terror and Fortune"
8:30 - "The Price is Right If Usama Says Its Right"
9:00 - "Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darndest Things"
9:30 - "Afganistans Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers"
10:00 - "Buffy The Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer"
WEDNESDAYS:
8:00 - "U.S. Military Secrets Revealed"
8:30 - "When Northern Alliance Attack"
900 - "Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pita Bread"
9:30 - "Just Shoot Everyone"
10:00 - "Veilwatch"
THURSDAYS:
8:30 - "M*U*S*T*A*S*H"
9:00 - "Veronicas Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses and Veils"
9:30 - "My Two Baghdads"
10:00 - "Diagnosis: Heresy"
FRIDAYS:
8:00 - "Judge Laden"
8:30 - "Funniest Super 8 Home Movies"
9:00 - "Captured Northern Alliance Rebels Say the Darndest Things"
9:30 - "Achmeds Creek"
10:00 - "No-witness News"
11:00 - "Beavis and Raghead"
12:00 - "This Old Tent" with Bob Villain
NEWS FLASH
SUNDAY EVENING:
11:00 - BOMBS AWAY!
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